Are you in relationship with a miser?...coping with his tight-fistedness

Is it possible to have a loving relationship with a penny-pinching partner, or does an obsession with money and lack of generosity ruin romance?
     New research has revealed that some troubled marriages had money as a source of tension. Half of these cases focused on disagreement over how to spend it. There are few characteristics more unattractive in a man than penny-pinching; especially when he's sitting on a lot of cash.
     When Irene Alabi told her friends that she was tired of living with her multi-millionaire husband of seven years, Chike, they were all shocked. They believe she was exaggerating the fact that her husband was stingy to an annoying level.
Irene drily observed that she had never had the freedom to spend her husband's money the way outsiders felt she was swimming in cash. Even the though of spending money to celebrate their children's birthday was a huge deal to her husband. Throughout the couple's marriage, Irene had continued to work because her husband insisted they split the bills 50/50, from school fees to the nanny's salary, despite the fact he earned far more than she did. She felt it was wicked on his part to make sure he drained her of her salary without giving room for her to save her own money. Even something as mundane as the weekly shopping bill could lead to blazing rows and Irene told friends that her husband once made her return a dress because she had the temerity to buy a ten thousand naira dress on their joint account. She was shattered.
     But while tales of male stinginess make fascinating, often comical reading, actually living with a tight-fisted man can be hugely stressful. Arguments over money can cause huge problems in any relationship, says psychologist Edwin Eteh. "If a man is tight-fisted then it will have a huge impact across the board on things like your social life, booking holidays and how you spend your leisure time. As a result, your relationship will suffer."
     Jane is married to a banker, who is obsessive about saving money. He rarely gives her presents, claiming she's too difficult to buy for, and descends into a bad mood when it was time to pay for bills at home. "It is hard work being with someone who has an ungenerous spirit," says Jane. If I had the course to travel or be away for a week, he would systematically empty the freezer rather than go out and buy fresh food."
     According to Patricia Chiegboka, a psychologist, an unwillingness to spend money despite a healthy bank account has less to do with financial prudence than a deep-seated need to be in control. 'To some degree it's relative; one person's meanness could be another person's generosity, but very often control of money is a power issue within a relationship,' says Chiegboka. "Being mean about what's spend can be a way of dominating your partner and dictating how they live. If a man's behaviour leaves his wife or partner feeling disempowered or bullied, then it's a problem that needs to be tackled."
     Ebere Ugwu says that long before she started dating her partner, Collins, there were warning sings that he was tight-fisted, but at the time, she was too smitten with cupid's arrow to heed them. "When we first got together, we went out for dinner a lot. I would always offer to pay my share and he would always accept, which I thought was a bit off. Then, to make matters worse, he would pocket the receipt and put it through his business expenses, so he was eating for free and then getting cash back." Four years on, the couple are well paid and money isn't the issue or wouldn't be, were it not for the fact Collins is still unable to resist penny pinching where he can; by rarely treating his wife to a special moment, and buying wedding presents when due. Ebere finds it all quite comical and takes secret pleasure in foiling his attempts to cut corners. "I deliberately do things like insist on buying pricey things or ordering slightly more expensive clothes than he's comfortable paying for. I know it ruffles him up, but I can't resist it. We have the money, let's spend it for once and live well.'
     One of the great frustrations felt by those married to misers is that a spouse may be stingy when it comes to the family budget, but see no contradiction in buying himself a top-of-the-range car. Or he may decide that salting away funds for retirement is more important than 'frittering' them away on day-to-day luxuries. This fundamental difference in priorities can cause much headache for women who don't have their own income. The stress of having to plan how to talk to your man about spending money which is readily available is a herculean task for most women married to misers.
     'I don't mind for myself, but I hate it when my husband flies off the handle because our son wants to upgrade his computer or I offer to give our old freezer to my sister, rather than selling it to her,' says Mrs. Joy Ekpo, who has been married for 26 years. "I feel so embarrassed in front of other people, because I know they think badly of him. He's a self-made businessman and regards the money coming to the house as his to spend as he sees fit. He genuinely believes that people shouldn't expect something for nothing and I admire his principles, but he takes them to such an extreme that the family suffers."
Mrs. Ekpo added that she knows he's got investments and savings, which she is grateful for, but wishes he would loosen the purse strings occasionally so they could live a little now.
     While it is generally believed that people who don't come from a rich background often find it hard to come to terms with the fact they have money and are frightened of losing it, they cultivate a slightly hard attitude that frowns on luxury and waste as they perceive it. But tackling a stingy partner head-on about money will invariably lead to confrontation, says Peter Nelson. Taking a more psychological approach will yield richer rewards. "A woman married to a tight-fisted man should see things from his perspective and try and understand what motivates him. If his motivation is a fear of loss; then talk to him in subtle terms he understands."
"Rather than reproaching him for being mean about the amount you spend on clothes, explain to him you need expensive suit for work or you will lose respect from your colleagues, that's a concept he can identify with." Sometimes however, even the most long suffering partner can tire of watching the pennies and forever living life on the cheap.
     Felicia Maduka said she was tired of her relationship with her long time boyfriend Emmanuel because he always displays his stinginess on a larger scale whenever they go out. Recently, he drove for about thirty minutes just to go collect a N200 change from an eatery attendant after they had lunch together. This made her return to the office late and that was it. She had had enough of him. "Emmanuel really gets stressed when it came to spending on me. I could see him getting agitated as soon as we visit a boutique or a supermarket and he would always insist on working out what we need to buy and what to shove aside even it was clear we needed them at that time." Felicia says it was really mortifying to watch a grown man get so upset about something so pathetically trivial. She discovered later that it used to be an in-joke with their friends.
     Most women married to men like these eventually develop their own methods for extracting money from their reluntant husbands. These tricks like inflating the prices of provisions, children school fees, electricity bills as well as feeding allowance help them survive the turbulent waters of making incessant money demands on their stingy husbands.

HOW TO MANAGE THE MISER IN YOUR LIFE

1). Sit your husband or partner down and have a frank discussion about your priorities in life. Don't be confrontational, simply explain how is preoccupation with saving money is affecting you and the relationship.

2). Reassure your husband you don't intend to empty his bank account, but you would like more flexibility regarding spending the money you have.

3). Set an agreed sum aside every week or month for luxuries or treats. When he discovers how much fun it can be, he might be more willing to increase the budget.

Source: Saturdaysun